雙語(yǔ)·面紗 第十二章

12

She knew him very little then, and now, though they had been married for nearly two years, she knew him but little more. At first she had been touched by his kindness and flattered, though surprised, by his passion. He was extremely considerate; he was very attentive to her comfort; she never expressed the slightest wish without his hastening to gratify it. He was constantly giving her little presents. When she happened to feel ill no one could have been kinder or more thoughtful. She seemed to do him a favor when she gave him the opportunity of doing something tiresome for her. And he was always exceedingly polite. He rose to his feet when she entered a room, he gave her his hand to help her out of a car, if he chanced to meet her in the street he took off his hat, he was solicitous to open the door for her when she left a room, he never came into her bedroom or her boudoir without a knock. He treated her not as Kitty had seen most men treat their wives, but as though she were a fellow-guest in a country house. It was pleasing and yet a trifle comic. She would have felt more at home with him if he had been more casual. Nor did their conjugal relations draw her closer to him. He was passionate then, fierce, oddly hysterical too, and sentimental.

It disconcerted her to realize how emotional he really was. His self-control was due to shyness or to long training, she did not know which; it seemed to her faintly contemptible that when she lay in his arms, his desire appeased, he who was so timid of saying absurd things, who so feared to be ridiculous, should use baby talk. She had offended him bitterly once by laughing and telling him that he was talking the most fearful slush. She had felt his arms grow limp about her, he remained quite silent for a little while, and then without a word released her and went into his own room. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and a day or two later she said to him:

“You silly old thing, I don't mind what nonsense you talk to me.”

He had laughed in a shamefaced way. She had discovered very soon that he had an unhappy disability to lose himself. He was self-conscious. When there was a party and everyone started singing Walter could never bring himself to join in. He sat there smiling to show that he was pleased and amused, but his smile was forced; it was more like a sarcastic smirk, and you could not help feeling that he thought all those people enjoying themselves a pack of fools. He could not bring himself to play the round games which Kitty with her high spirits found such a lark. On their journey out to China he had absolutely refused to put on fancy dress when everyone else was wearing it. It disturbed her pleasure that he should so obviously think the whole thing a bore.

Kitty was lively; she was willing to chatter all day long and she laughed easily. His silence disconcerted her. He had a way which exasperated her of returning no answer to some casual remark of hers. It was true that it needed no answer, but an answer all the same would have been pleasant. If it was raining and she said: “It's raining cats and dogs.” she would have liked him to say: “Yes, isn't it?” He remained silent. Sometimes she would have liked to shake him.

“I said it was raining cats and dogs,” she repeated.

“I heard you,” he answered, with his affectionate smile.

It showed that he had not meant to be offensive. He did not speak because he had nothing to say. But if nobody spoke unless he had something to say, Kitty reflected, with a smile, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech.

第十二章

她那時(shí)對(duì)他了解得很少，而現(xiàn)在，雖然他們已經(jīng)結(jié)婚將近兩年了，但是她對(duì)他的了解也就多了一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)。起初，她被他的善良和奉承感動(dòng)，對(duì)他的熱情甚至有點(diǎn)兒感到意外。他特別體貼，格外關(guān)注她的感受，只要她張口，哪怕是雞毛蒜皮的小事，他也會(huì)忙不迭地去滿足。他還經(jīng)常給她一些小禮物。當(dāng)她不巧病了，沒人會(huì)比他更體貼入微的了。要是她能夠給他一些為她排憂解難的機(jī)會(huì)，似乎是在給他恩惠。而且他總是對(duì)她彬彬有禮，她走進(jìn)屋里，他會(huì)站起身，她下車時(shí)，他總是用手?jǐn)v扶著她，如果碰巧在街上遇到她，他還會(huì)脫帽致敬。當(dāng)她離開房間時(shí)，他會(huì)很關(guān)切地為她開門，只要進(jìn)入她的臥室或者閨房，他一定會(huì)先敲門，他對(duì)待凱蒂，一點(diǎn)兒也不像她見過(guò)的大多數(shù)丈夫?qū)Υ拮幽菢?，而像是同去鄉(xiāng)間別墅度假的客人，雖然有點(diǎn)兒滑稽，但還是讓人感覺很受用的?？扇绻芨S意些，反而能讓凱蒂有和他在過(guò)日子的感覺。他們的夫妻關(guān)系并沒有讓她覺得和他更為親近，他那時(shí)熱情似火，也還有些怪怪的歇斯底里和多愁善感。

讓她感到不安的是她認(rèn)識(shí)到他真的很情緒化，他的自我控制要么是因?yàn)楹π?，要么是因?yàn)殚L(zhǎng)期的訓(xùn)練，她不明白到底是哪一種原因。當(dāng)她躺在他的懷抱中時(shí)，他的欲望好像得到了滿足，平時(shí)怯懦的他會(huì)說(shuō)一些唐突的事情，擔(dān)心會(huì)被看成是荒唐可笑的人，所以用小孩的語(yǔ)氣說(shuō)出來(lái)，這似乎讓她有點(diǎn)兒對(duì)他不屑。她曾經(jīng)有一次深深地傷害了他，她嘲笑他說(shuō)，他說(shuō)的凈是嚇人的胡話，話剛一說(shuō)完，她覺得他抱著她的雙臂馬上松軟了下來(lái)，他好一會(huì)兒一言不發(fā)，隨后放開了她，徑直走回了臥室。她不想傷害他的感情，所以過(guò)了一兩天后，她對(duì)他說(shuō)：

“你這個(gè)傻家伙，我才不介意你對(duì)我說(shuō)的那些胡話呢。”

他不好意思地笑了笑。她隨即發(fā)現(xiàn)他對(duì)這事還不能完全釋懷。沃爾特的自我意識(shí)很強(qiáng)，在聚會(huì)上，每個(gè)人都開始唱歌了，可他無(wú)法融入其中，他坐在一邊微笑著，表現(xiàn)出很愉快、覺得好玩的樣子，但他的笑是硬擠出來(lái)的，更像是略帶譏諷的假笑，讓你禁不住覺得，在他眼中，那些自?shī)首詷?lè)的人是一群傻瓜。他自己不會(huì)參與集體游戲，而凱蒂會(huì)興致勃勃地覺得這些游戲很好玩。在回中國(guó)的旅途中，有一次假面舞會(huì)，每個(gè)人都化裝打扮，可他就是死活不肯穿上奇裝異服，也顯然認(rèn)為整個(gè)活動(dòng)無(wú)聊透頂，這不免掃了凱蒂的興。

凱蒂是個(gè)很活潑的人，她愿意整天都跟人聊天，也很愛笑。他的沉默寡言讓她覺得不安。她經(jīng)常會(huì)說(shuō)個(gè)不停，可他根本不搭腔，這讓凱蒂很是惱火，雖然凱蒂的嘮叨有時(shí)確實(shí)不需要搭腔，但有去言而無(wú)回應(yīng)總是會(huì)讓人不爽。比如外面下雨了，她會(huì)說(shuō)：“真是瓢潑大雨?！彼赡軙?huì)希望他回應(yīng)：“可不是嗎？真是這樣?！钡谎圆话l(fā)。有時(shí)，她真想去扇他幾巴掌。

“我說(shuō)外面下瓢潑大雨了?！彼貜?fù)道。

“我聽見你說(shuō)了?！彼麘z愛地笑著回應(yīng)道。

這表示他無(wú)意冒犯她，他沒吭聲不過(guò)是因?yàn)榇_實(shí)無(wú)話可說(shuō)。但是，如果每個(gè)人只有在有話時(shí)才說(shuō)出來(lái)，那么人類很快就會(huì)失去語(yǔ)言能力，凱蒂帶著微笑暗自思忖。