雙語·面紗 第十七章

17

Of course it was not certain yet that Walter knew the truth, and if he didn't it was better perhaps to leave well alone; but if he did, well, in the end it would be the best thing for all of them. At first she had been, if not satisfied, at least resigned to seeing Charlie only by stealth; but time had increased her passion and for some while now she had been increasingly impatient of the obstacles which prevented them from being always together. He had told her so often that he cursed his position which forced him to be so discreet, the ties which bound him, and the ties which bound her: how marvellous it would have been, he said, if they were both free! She saw his point of view; no one wanted a scandal, and of course it required a good deal of thinking over before you changed the course of your life; but if freedom were thrust upon them, ah, then, how simple everything would be!

It was not as though any one would suffer very much. She knew exactly what his relations were with his wife. She was a cold woman and there had been no love between them for years. It was habit that held them together, convenience, and of course the children. It was easier for Charlie than for her: Walter loved her; but after all, he was absorbed in his work; and a man always had his club; he might be upset at first, but he would get over it; there was no reason why he should not marry somebody else. Charlie had told her that he could not make out how she came to throw herself away on Walter Fane.

She wondered, half smiling, why a little while before she had been terrified at the thought that Walter had caught them. Of course it was startling to see the handle of the door slowly turn. But after all they knew the worst that Walter could do, and they were ready for it. Charlie would feel as great a relief as she that what they both desired more than anything in the world should be thus forced upon them.

Walter was a gentleman, she would do him the justice to acknowledge that, and he loved her; he would do the right thing and allow her to divorce him. They had made a mistake and the lucky thing was that they had found it out before it was too late. She made up her mind exactly what she was going to say to him and how she would treat him. She would be kind, smiling, and firm. There was no need for them to quarrel. Later on she would always be glad to see him. She hoped honestly that the two years they had spent together would remain with him as a priceless memory.

“I don't suppose Dorothy Townsend will mind divorcing Charlie a bit,” she thought. “Now the youngest boy is going back to England it will be much nicer for her to be in England too. There's absolutely nothing for her to do in Hong Kong. She'll be able to spend all the holidays with her boys. And then she's got her father and mother in England.”

It was all very simple and everything could be managed without scandal or ill-feeling. And then she and Charlie could marry. Kitty drew a long sigh. They would be very happy. It was worth going through a certain amount of bother to achieve that. Confusedly, one picture jostling another, she thought of the life they would lead together, of the fun they would have and the little journeys they would take together, the house they would live in, the positions he would rise to, and the help she would be to him. He would be very proud of her and she, she adored him.

But through all these day-dreams ran a current of apprehension. It was funny: it was as though the wood and the strings of the orchestra played Arcadian melodies and in the bass the drums, softly but with foreboding, beat a grim tattoo. Sooner or later Walter must come home and her heart beat fast at the thought of meeting him: it was strange that he had gone away that afternoon without saying a word to her. Of course she was not frightened of him; after all what could he do, she repeated to herself; but she could not quite allay her uneasiness. Once more she repeated what she would say to him. What was the good of making a scene? She was very sorry, Heaven knew she didn't want to cause him pain, but she couldn't help it if she didn't love him. It was no good pretending and it was always better to tell the truth. She hoped he wouldn't be unhappy, but they had made a mistake and the only sensible thing was to acknowledge it. She would always think kindly of him.

But even as she said this to herself a sudden gust of fear made the sweat start out in the palms of her hands. And because she was frightened she grew angry with him. If he wanted to make a scene, that was his lookout; he must not be surprised if he got more than he bargained for. She would tell him that she had never cared two pins for him and that not a day had passed since their marriage without her regretting it. He was dull. Oh, how he'd bored her, bored her, bored her! He thought himself so much better than any one else, it was laughable; he had no sense of humour; she hated his supercilious air, his coldness, and his self-control. It was easy to be self-controlled when you were interested in nothing and nobody but yourself. He was repulsive to her. She hated to let him kiss her. What had he to be so conceited about? He danced rottenly, he was a wet blanket at a party, he couldn't play or sing, he couldn't play polo and his tennis was no better than anybody else's. Bridge? Who cared about bridge?

Kitty worked herself up into a towering passion. Let him dare to reproach her. All that had happened was his own fault. She was thankful that he knew the truth at last. She hated him and wished never to see him again. Yes, she was thankful that it was all over. Why couldn't he leave her alone? He had pestered her into marrying him and now she was fed up.

“Fed up,” she repeated aloud, trembling with anger. “Fed up! Fed up!”

She heard the car draw up to the gate of their garden. He was coming up the stairs.

第十七章

當然，還不能確定沃爾特已經(jīng)知道了事情的真相，如果他還蒙在鼓里，也許最好讓事情順其自然，但如果他發(fā)現(xiàn)了二人的秘密，那么最終這種關(guān)系對他們?nèi)齻€人來說可能是塊試金石。起初，雖然不能心滿意足，但至少她能指望偶爾與查理幽會，但隨著時間的推移，她的熱情也被激發(fā)了出來，近一段時間以來，她開始對阻擋他們永遠廝守在一起的種種障礙變得越來越不耐煩了。他已經(jīng)跟她講過多次，他也討厭自己的身份地位，讓他不能不小心行事，聯(lián)結(jié)他們之間愛情的紐帶本來是那么的美妙，他說，如果他們都是自由身該有多好！她明白他的想法，沒人想鬧出丑聞，況且人們在徹底改變原有的生活前要三思而行，但如果他們真的獲得自由，啊，到那個時候，一切問題都將迎刃而解！

好像也并非每個人都會那么痛苦，她很清楚他和他妻子之間的關(guān)系。他的妻子是個冷漠的女人，他們之間已經(jīng)有多年沒有愛情可言了，維系他們夫妻關(guān)系的只有搭伙過日子的習慣和傳統(tǒng)，當然了，還有孩子。她自己這邊比查理那邊要麻煩得多，因為沃爾特愛她，但話說回來，他可以把精力投入到工作中，而且一個男人可以去俱樂部打發(fā)時光。在一開始，他可能會難過，但很快就會從打擊中恢復過來，他也完全可以再娶。查理跟她說過，他怎么也搞不明白她竟然會把自己的一生托付給沃爾特·費恩。

她自己也奇怪，就在剛才，她一想到沃爾特會當場捉到他們還感到害怕呢，這會兒臉上竟然露出了微笑。當然，看到門把手在慢慢轉(zhuǎn)動確實會嚇人一跳，但是畢竟他們知道沃爾特能做出的最糟糕的舉動也不過如此，而且他們也做好了準備。查理會和她一樣如釋重負，因為他們在世界上最希望出現(xiàn)的事，莫過于該來的就來吧，好讓心頭的巨石落地。

沃爾特是個紳士——她憑良心確實應該承認這一點——而且還很愛她，他會做出正確的選擇，允許她跟他離婚的。他們已經(jīng)犯了錯，值得慶幸的是，在事情無法收場之前，他們都發(fā)現(xiàn)了這個錯誤。她已經(jīng)暗下決心將要向他坦白些什么，她怎樣對待他的反應。她將會心平氣和、面帶微笑、堅定不移地面對一切。他們沒有必要爭吵，從此以后，他們還能高興地見面，她真心希望他們一起度過的兩年時光會成為他寶貴的回憶。

“我覺得多蘿西·湯森一點兒也不會介意和查理離婚的。”她思忖，“她最小的兒子將被送回英國，對她來說，和兒子一起待在英國會好得多。在香港她完全無所事事，而在英國她能和孩子們度過所有的假期，然后還可以把父母也接來和他們一起住。”

如果是這樣的話，事情會變得很簡單。不會鬧出什么丑聞或者讓她們彼此仇視，一切都會很妥當。然后，她會順理成章地嫁給查理。凱蒂長長地嘆了一口氣，他們二人婚后一定會很幸福，所以，為了達到這一目的，克服重重障礙也是值得的。在迷迷糊糊中，各種畫面紛至沓來，她想到了他們將在一起生活的場景，想到了他們擁有的快樂，想到了他們會一起出門旅行，還想到了他們居住的房屋的布置。他可能會步步高升，她也可能成為他事業(yè)上的賢內(nèi)助，他會為她感到驕傲，而她自己，也是那么愛慕和崇拜他。

但是，伴隨著這些白日夢，凱蒂的心頭還是涌起了一陣陣的恐懼。這顯得很滑稽，好像是交響樂隊的管樂和弦樂在演奏著田園牧歌的曲調(diào)，而低音吉他和各種鼔的演奏雖然聽上去聲音輕柔，卻在不斷地、預示性地敲擊著可怕的惡兆。遲早沃爾特會回到家中，而一想到要面對他，她的心快要跳到嗓子眼了。那天下午他出門時竟然沒有跟她說一個字，這一點很奇怪。當然，她并不害怕他，他無論如何不會做出什么出格的事兒來的，她反復地安慰自己。但是，不知為什么，她就是不能放下心頭的不安。她在心底把要對他說的話又重復了一遍，大吵大鬧似乎于事無補，她真的覺得很抱歉，上天知道她其實不想讓他痛苦，但她不愛他，這點她是無能為力的，繼續(xù)假裝下去，對他并沒什么好處，告訴他真相總比永遠瞞著他要好。她希望他不會太難過，可是他們已經(jīng)犯下了錯誤，唯一明智的選擇就是承認這一點，她會總想著他的好的。

然而，她這樣自言自語時，突如其來的一陣恐懼還是讓她的手掌心開始冒汗。因為她還是害怕，她開始對他越想越有氣。如果他想吵架，那他自己也要小心點兒。如果他得寸進尺，就不要驚訝她會反擊。她會告訴他，她從來沒有在乎過他，自從他們結(jié)婚以來，沒有一天她不是在后悔中度過的。他是那么的乏味無趣，噢，他讓她煩得要死，要死，要死！他自己覺得比別人強得多，這真可笑。他沒有幽默感，她恨透了他的傲慢、他的冷漠、他的自制。如果除了自己，他對身邊的人和事都不感興趣的話，自制是輕而易舉的。對她來說，他是面目可憎的，她討厭他吻她。他憑什么那么自負？他的舞跳得很爛，在聚會上他是一個掃興的人。他不會樂器，也不會唱歌，他不會打馬球，網(wǎng)球打得也不比別人好。他很會打橋牌？誰會在乎別人橋牌打得有多好？

凱蒂越想越激動，他有膽子就來責怪她吧。所發(fā)生的一切都是他自己的錯。謝天謝地他終于知道了真相。她恨他，希望永遠不要再見到他。沒錯，她慶幸一切都結(jié)束了。為什么他不能讓她消停會兒？他已經(jīng)纏著她多時而且娶了她，現(xiàn)在她已經(jīng)受夠了。

“受夠了?！彼舐曋貜椭澏兜穆曇糁袏A雜著憤怒?！笆軌蛄?，真是受夠了！”

就在這時，她聽到了小汽車停在了花園入口的聲音。隨后，是他上樓的腳步聲。