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雙語·哈代短篇小說選 蓋房記[1]

所屬教程:譯林版·一個想象力豐富的女人:哈代短篇小說選

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2022年05月06日

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How I Built Myself a House

My wife Sophia, myself, and the beginning of a happy line, formerly lived in the suburbs of London, in the sort of house called a Highly Desirable Semi-detached Villa. But in reality our residence was the very opposite of what we wished it to be. We had no room for our friends when they visited us, and we were obliged to keep our coals out of doors in a heap against the back-wall. If we managed to squeeze a few acquaintances round our table to dinner, there was very great difficulty in serving it; and on such occasions the maid, for want of sideboard room, would take to putting the dishes in the staircase, or on stools and chairs in the passage, so that if anybody else came after we had sat down, he usually went away again, disgusted at seeing the remains of what we had already got through standing in these places, and perhaps the celery waiting in a corner hard by. It was therefore only natural that on wet days, chimney-sweepings, and those cleaning times when chairs may be seen with their legs upwards, a tub blocking a doorway, and yourself walking about edgeways among the things, we called the villa hard names, and that we resolved to escape from it as soon as it would be politic, in a monetary sense, to carry out a notion which had long been in our minds.

This notion was to build a house of our own a little further out of town than where we had hitherto lived. The new residence was to be right and proper in every respect. It was to be of some mysterious size and proportion, which would make us both peculiarly happy ever afterwards—that had always been a settled thing. It was neither to cost too much nor too little, but just enough to fitly inaugurate the new happiness. Its situation was to be in a healthy spot, on a stratum of dry gravel, about ninety feet above the springs. There were to be trees to the north, and a pretty view to the south. It was also to be easily accessible by rail.

Eighteen months ago, a third baby being our latest blessing, we began to put the above-mentioned ideas into practice. As the house itself, rather than its position, is what I wish particularly to speak of, I will not dwell upon the innumerable difficulties that were to be overcome before a suitable spot could be found. Maps marked out in little pink and green oblongs clinging to a winding road, became as familiar to my eyes as my own hand. I learned, too, all about the coloured plans of Land to be Let for Building Purposes, which are exhibited at railway stations and in agents' windows—that sketches of cabbages in rows, or artistically irregular, meant large trees that would afford a cooling shade when they had been planted and had grown up—that patches of blue showed fishponds and fountains; and that a wide straight road to the edge of the map was the way to the station, a corner of which was occasionally shown, as if it would come within a convenient distance, disguise the fact as the owners might.

After a considerable time had been spent in these studies, I began to see that some of our intentions in the matter of site must be given up. The trees to the north went first. After a short struggle, they were followed by the ninety feet above the springs. Sophia, with all wifely tenacity, stuck to the pretty view long after I was beaten about the gravel subsoil. In the end, we decided upon a place imagined to be rather convenient, and rather healthy, but possessing no other advantage worth mentioning. I took it on a lease for the established period, ninety-nine years.

We next thought about an architect. A friend of mine, who sometimes sends a paper on art and science to the magazines, strongly recommended a Mr. Penny, a gentleman whom he considered to have architectural talent of every kind, but if he was a trifle more skilful in any one branch of his profession than in another, it was in designing excellent houses for families of moderate means. I at once proposed to Sophia that we should think over some arrangement of rooms which would be likely to suit us, and then call upon the architect, that he might put our plan into proper shape.

I made my sketch, and my wife made hers. Her drawing and dining rooms were very large, nearly twice the size of mine, though her doors and windows showed sound judgment. We soon found that there was no such thing as fitting our ideas together, do what we would. When we had come to no conclusion at all, we called at Mr. Penny's office. I began telling him my business, upon which he took a sheet of foolscap, and made numerous imposing notes, with large brackets and dashes to them. Sitting there with him in his office, surrounded by rolls of paper, circles, squares, triangles, compasses, and many other of the inventions which have been sought out by men from time to time, and perceiving that all these were the realities which had been faintly shadowed forth to me by Euclid some years before, it is no wonder that I became a puppet in his hands. He settled everything in a miraculous way. We were told the only possible size we could have the rooms, the only way we should be allowed to go upstairs, and the exact quantity of wine we might order at once, so as to fit the wine cellar he had in his head. His professional opinions, propelled by his facts, seemed to float into my mind whether I wished to receive them or not. I thought at the time that Sophia, from her silence, was in the same helpless state; but she has since told me it was quite otherwise, and that she was only a little tired.

I had been very anxious all along that the stipulated cost, eighteen hundred pounds, should not be exceeded, and I impressed this again upon Mr. Penny.

“I will give you an approximate estimate for the sort of thing we are thinking of,” he said. “Linem.” (This was the clerk.)

“Did you speak, sir?”

“Forty-nine by fifty-four by twenty-eight, twice fourteen by thirtyone by eleven, and several small items which we will call one hundred and sixty.”

“Eighty-two thousand four hundred—”

“But eighteen hundred at the very outside,” I began, “is what—”

“Feet, my dear sir—feet, cubic feet,” said Mr. Penny. “Put it down at sixpence a foot, Linem, remainders not an object.”

“Two thousand two hundred pounds.” This was too much.

“Well, try it at something less, leaving out all below hundreds, Linem.”

“About eighteen hundred and seventy pounds.”

“Very satisfactory, in my opinion,” said Mr. Penny turning to me. “What do you think?”

“You are so particular, John,” interrupted my wife. “I am sure it is exceedingly moderate: elegance and extreme cheapness never do go together.”

(It may be here remarked that Sophia never calls me “my dear” before strangers. She considers that, like the ancient practice in besieged cities of throwing loaves over the walls, it really denotes a want rather than an abundance of them within.)

I did not trouble the architect any further, and we rose to leave.

“Be sure you make a nice conservatory, Mr. Penny,” said my wife; “something that has character about it. If it could only be in the Chinese style, with beautiful ornaments at the corners, like Mrs. Smith's, only better,” she continued, turning to me with a glance in which a broken tenth commandment might have been seen.

“Some sketches shall be forwarded, which I think will suit you,” answered Mr. Penny pleasantly, looking as if he had possessed for some years a complete guide to the minds of all people who intended to build.

It is needless to go through the whole history of the plan-making. A builder had been chosen, and the house marked out, when we went down to the place one morning to see how the foundations looked.

It is a strange fact, that a person's new house drawn in outline on the ground where it is to stand, looks ridiculously and inconveniently small. The notion it gives one is, that any portion of one's after-life spent within such boundaries must of necessity be rendered wretched on account of bruises daily received by running against the partitions, door posts, and fireplaces. In my case, the lines showing sitting-rooms seemed to denote cells; the kitchen looked as if it might develop into a large box; whilst the study appeared to consist chiefly of a fireplace and a door. We were told that houses always looked so; but Sophia's disgust at the sight of such a diminutive drawing-room was not to be lessened by any scientific reasoning. Six feet longer—four feet then—three it must be, she argued, and the room was accordingly lengthened. I felt rather relieved when at last I got her off the ground, and on the road home.

The building gradually crept upwards, and put forth chimneys. We were standing beside it one day, looking at the men at work on the top, when the builder's foreman came towards us.

“Being your own house, sir, and as we are finishing the last chimney, you would perhaps like to go up,” he said.

“I am sure I should much, if I were a man,” was my wife's observation to me. “The landscape must appear so lovely from that height.”

This remark placed me in something of a dilemma, for it must be confessed that I am not given to climbing. The sight of cliffs, roofs, scaffoldings, and elevated places in general, which have no sides to keep people from slipping off, always causes me to feel how infinitely preferable a position at the bottom is to a position at the top of them. But as my house was by no means lofty, and it was but for once, I said I would go up.

My knees felt a good deal in the way as I ascended the ladder; but that was not so disagreeable as the thrill which passed through me as I followed my guide along two narrow planks, one bending beneath each foot. However, having once started, I kept on, and next climbed another ladder, thin and weak-looking, and not tied at the top. I could not help thinking, as I viewed the horizon between the steps, what a shocking thing it would be if any part should break; and to get rid of the thought, I adopted the device of mentally criticising the leading articles in that morning's Times; but as the plan did not answer, I tried to fancy that, though strangely enough it seemed otherwise, I was only four feet from the ground. This was a failure too; and just as I had commenced upon an idea that great quantities of feather-beds were spread below, I reached the top scaffold.

“Rather high,” I said to the foreman, trying, but failing to appear unconcerned.

“Well, no,” he answered; “nothing to what it is sometimes (I'll just trouble you not to step upon the end of that plank there, as it will turnover); though you may as well fall from here as from the top of the Monument for the matter of life being quite extinct when they pick you up,” he continued, looking around at the weather and the crops, as it were.

Then a workman, with a load of bricks, stamped along the boards, and overturned them at my feet, causing me to shake up and down like the little servant-men behind private cabs. I asked, in trepidation, if the bricks were not dangerously heavy, thinking of a newspaper paragraph headed “Frightful Accident from an Overloaded Scaffold.”

“Just what I was going to say. Dan has certainly too many there,” answered the man. “But it won't break down if we walk without springing, and don't sneeze, though the mortar-boy's hooping-cough was strong enough in my poor brother Jim's case,” he continued abstractedly, as if he himself possessed several necks, and could afford to break one or two.

My wife was picking daisies a little distance off, apparently in a state of complete indifference as to whether I was on the scaffold, at the foot of it, or in St George's Hospital; so I roused myself for a descent, and tried the small ladder. I cannot accurately say how I did get down; but during that performance, my body seemed perforated by holes, through which breezes blew in all directions. As I got nearer the earth, they went away. It may be supposed that my wife's notion of the height differed considerably from my own, and she inquired particularly for the landscape, which I had quite forgotten; but the discovery of that fact did not cause me to break a resolution not to trouble my chimneys again.

Beyond a continual anxiety and frequent journeyings along the sides of a triangle, of which the old house, the new house, and the architect's office were the corners, nothing worth mentioning happened till the building was nearly finished. Sophia's ardour in the business, which at the beginning was so intense, had nearly burned itself out, so I was left pretty much to myself in getting over the later difficulties. Amongst them was the question of a porch. I had often been annoyed whilst waiting outside a door on a wet day at being exposed to the wind and rain, and it was my favourite notion that I would have a model porch whenever I should build a house. Thus it was very vexing to recollect, just as the workmen were finishing off, that I had never mentioned the subject to Mr. Penny, and that he had not suggested anything about one to me.

“A porch or no porch is entirely a matter of personal feeling and taste,” was his remark, in answer to a complaint from me; “so, of course, I did not put one without its being mentioned. But it happens that in this case it would be an improvements feature, in fact. There is this objection, that the roof will close up the window of the little place on the landing; but we may get ventilation by making an opening higher up, if you don't mind a trifling darkness, or rather gloom.”

My first thought was that this might tend to reduce myself and family to a state of chronic melancholy; but remembering there were reflectors advertised to throw sunlight into any nook almost, I agreed to the inconvenience, for the sake of the porch, though I found afterwards that the gloom was for all time, the patent reflector, naturally enough, sending its spot of light against the opposite wall, where it was not wanted, and leaving none about the landing, where it was.

In getting a house built for a specified sum by contract with a builder, there is a certain pit-fall into which unwary people are sure to step—this accident is technically termed “getting into extras.” It is evident that the only way to get out again without making a town-talk about yourself, is to pay the builder a large sum of money over and above the contract amount—the value of course of the extras. In the present case, I knew very well that the perceptible additions would have to be paid for. Commonsense, and Mr. Penny himself perhaps, should have told me a little more distinctly that I must pay if I said “yes” to questions whether I preferred one window a trifle larger than it was originally intended, another a trifle smaller, second thoughts as to where a doorway should be, and so on. Then came a host of things “not included”—a sink in the scullery, a rain-water tank and a pump, a trap-door into the roof, a scraper, a weather-cock and four letters, ventilators in the nursery, same in the kitchen, all of which worked vigorously enough, but the wrong way; patent remarkable bell-pulls; a royal letters extraordinary kitchen-range, which it would cost exactly three pence three—farthings to keep a fire in for twelve hours, and yet cook any joint in any way, warm up what was left yesterday, boil the vegetables, and do the ironing. But not keeping a strict account of all these expenses, and thinking myself safe in Mr. Penny's hands from any enormous increase, I was astounded to find that the additions altogether came to some hundreds of pounds. I could almost go through the worry of building another house, to show how carefully I would avoid getting into extras again.

Then they have to be wound up. A surveyor is called in from somewhere, and, by a fiction, his heart's desire is supposed to be that you shall not be overcharged one halfpenny by the builder for the additions. The builder names a certain sum as the value of a portion—say double its worth, the surveyor then names a sum, about half its true value. They then fight it out by word of mouth, and gradually bringing their valuations nearer and nearer together, at last meet in the middle. All my accounts underwent this operation.

Families-removing van carried our furniture and effects to the new building without giving us much trouble; but a number of vexing little incidents occurred on our settling down, which I should have felt more deeply had not a sort of Martinmas summer of Sophia's interest in the affair now set in, and lightened them considerably. Smoke was one of our nuisances. On lighting the study-fire, every particle of smoke came curling into the room. In our trouble, we sent for the architect, who immediately asked if we had tried the plan of opening the register to cure it. We had not, but we did so, and the smoke ascended at once. The last thing I remember was Sophia jumping up one night and frightening me out of my senses with the exclamation: “O, that builder! Not a single bar of any sort is there to the nursery-windows. John, some day those poor little children will tumble out in their innocence—how should they know better?—and be dashed to pieces. Why did you put the nursery on the second floor?” And you may be sure that some bars were put up the very next morning.

1865

蓋房記[1]

我妻子索菲婭、我自己,以及我們一群孩子里的頭一個,最早住在倫敦郊區(qū)一種號稱是“夢寐以求的半獨立式別墅”里。但事實上我們的住處跟我們夢想的樣子完全相反。我們連招待來訪朋友的地方都沒有;燃煤也不得不放在屋外,靠著后墻堆成一堆。假如某天我們硬塞了幾個熟人進(jìn)來一起共進(jìn)晚餐的話,上菜就成了一大難題。因為沒有餐柜間,這種時候女仆就會習(xí)慣性地把盤子放在樓梯上或過道的凳子椅子上。假如我們就座后又有客人來的話,來人就會看到剩飯剩菜杯盤狼藉地擺放在這些地方,可能旁邊還有待上桌的芹菜,于是通常便嫌棄地離開。在下雨天、掃煙囪,以及大掃除的時候,你會看到椅子四腿朝天,水桶擋在門口,人需要側(cè)身才能在這些障礙物中間穿行。我們自然對這個別墅牢騷滿腹,并下定決心:一旦條件成熟——當(dāng)然是指跟錢有關(guān)的條件——我們就要將心頭盤算已久的一個念頭付諸實踐。

這個念頭就是要在比我們當(dāng)時住所離城更遠(yuǎn)一點的地方蓋一座我們自己的房子。這個新住宅在所有方面都將完美無缺。它的大小和比例雖然尚未可知,但足以讓我們從此無比幸??鞓返厣钤谝黄?,這一點我們早已確定。蓋房的花費(fèi)既不能太多也不能太少,要剛剛好,能配得上我們新得的幸福。它的選址要在一個有益健康的地點,底土得是一層干沙礫,在泉水上游約九十英尺[2]處。北面需有樹林,南邊需有風(fēng)景,還要交通便利、鐵路直達(dá)。

十八個月前,蒙上天恩賜我們有了第三個孩子,我們決定要將以上想法付諸行動了。我想詳細(xì)地介紹一下房子本身,而不是它的地理位置,至于我克服了多少困難最后才找到一個合適的地點,在此恕不贅述。對那些蜿蜒的路旁標(biāo)記著粉紅或綠色小長方形的地圖我早已了如指掌。那些張貼在火車站和房產(chǎn)中介窗上“建筑用租地”的多姿多彩的規(guī)劃圖我也都諳熟于心:草圖里那一行行的,或是富有藝術(shù)感的不規(guī)則的卷心菜,指的其實是大樹,種下去長大后就可以提供陰涼;那一塊塊藍(lán)色指的是魚塘和噴泉;直抵地圖邊緣那又寬又直的一條是通往火車站的路,有時火車站的一角也會入圖,以假裝此地離火車站很近,有的地主大概是想以此掩蓋事實。

經(jīng)過相當(dāng)長一段時間的仔細(xì)研究之后,我意識到我們在選址這個問題上的一些想法必須得放棄。最先放棄的是北面的樹林,經(jīng)過短暫的掙扎后,位于泉水上游九十英尺的要求也隨之而去了。索菲婭像所有妻子一樣無比執(zhí)著,堅持她對南邊要有優(yōu)美風(fēng)景的要求,而我則早早被打敗不再想著沙礫底土的事了。最后我們終于定下了一塊地,假裝那里交通便利、有益健康,除此之外再無任何可稱道之處。約定的租期是九十九年。

我們接下來要考慮的是找一位建筑設(shè)計師。我有個時不時寫點藝術(shù)和科學(xué)方面的文章向雜志社投稿的朋友,他向我傾情推薦了一位彭尼先生,說這位先生在建筑方面是個全才,要說他在專業(yè)上有哪方面更為出色,那就是為普通收入的家庭設(shè)計高性價比的房子。我馬上跟索菲婭提議,先好好計劃一下最適合我們的房間安排,然后去拜訪這位設(shè)計師,好讓他把我們的計劃變成現(xiàn)實。

我畫了個草圖,索菲婭也畫了一個。她畫的客廳和餐廳很大,幾乎是我畫的兩倍,不過她的門窗大小還算合理。我們很快就發(fā)現(xiàn)無論怎么努力都不可能達(dá)成一致。爭論很久都無果之后,我們就直接去了彭尼先生的辦公室。我告訴了他我的來意,他拿出一張大圖紙,做了一些氣勢十足的筆記,還標(biāo)上大大的括號和破折號。坐在他的辦公室里,四周環(huán)繞的是一卷卷的圖紙、圓形、正方形、三角板、圓規(guī)以及其他各種被人類時不時想出來的新發(fā)明,我意識到這些我在數(shù)年前才從歐幾里得幾何學(xué)里隱約知道的東西原來都是真實存在的,于是我順理成章地變成了任由他擺布的傀儡。他奇跡般地擺平了一切問題:我們被告知每一個房間只能是多大面積,上樓梯只能采用某一種方法,以及我們一次只能訂多少紅酒,才能放得進(jìn)他腦中設(shè)想的酒窖。在他輔以實例力勸之下,不管我想不想接受,他專業(yè)的意見都在我的腦海中自動浮現(xiàn)出來。索菲婭當(dāng)時一直保持沉默,所以我認(rèn)為她也跟我一樣身不由己;但她事后跟我說根本不是這么回事,她只不過是那會兒有點疲憊罷了。

在整個過程中我一直急于想說明講定的千八百英鎊不能超支,于是我又跟彭尼先生重申了一遍。

“我會把我預(yù)想的房子給您做一個大致的估算,”他呼喚他的職員,“萊能!”

“先生,請講?!?/p>

“四十九乘五十四乘二十八,十四的兩倍乘三十一乘十一,還有其他一些小地方我們大概算個一百六十?!?/p>

“八萬兩千四百——”

“但是最多一千八百,”我說,“是我們能給——”

“英尺,我親愛的先生,英尺,立方英尺,”彭尼先生接著說,“萊能,就算一英尺六個便士,余數(shù)忽略不計。”

“兩千兩百鎊?!边@實在是太多了。

“這樣,試試再少一點,把所有一百以下的全都減掉。”

“大概一千八百七十鎊?!?/p>

“在我看來這非常令人滿意,”彭尼先生說著轉(zhuǎn)過身來問我,“您覺得呢?”

“約翰,你別太吹毛求疵了?!蔽移拮硬暹M(jìn)來說,“我相信這已經(jīng)是非常非常公道的價格了,又要講究又要便宜,二者兼得是不可能的?!?/p>

(順便說一句,索菲婭在人前從來不會以“親愛的”來稱呼我。她的理由是,這種行為就跟古代被圍城時故意把面包扔到城墻外面去一樣,它其實意味著內(nèi)在的匱乏而不是富足。)

我沒有再跟設(shè)計師糾纏下去,然后我倆便站起身來準(zhǔn)備告辭。

“彭尼先生,請你一定要建一個很棒的花房,”我的妻子說,“要別具特色的。最好能是中國園林風(fēng)格的,在角落有些漂亮的裝飾,就像史密斯夫人家的一樣,或者比她的更好?!彼a(bǔ)充了一句,轉(zhuǎn)頭瞥了我一眼,我在那一瞥中仿佛看見被打破了的摩西第十誡。[3]

“我們會把設(shè)計草圖給您送過去,相信會非常適合您的?!迸砟嵯壬H切地回答,就好像對所有打算蓋房的人的想法他早已擁有一本指南大全似的。

至于蓋房規(guī)劃的全過程我就不贅述了。有一天早上我們到現(xiàn)場查看房子的地基,這時建筑施工隊已經(jīng)選定,房子結(jié)構(gòu)也已經(jīng)在地上標(biāo)了出來。

說起來真是奇怪。新房子畫在地上的輪廓不知為何看上去真是小得荒謬又惱人。看到它,想想每天會在墻板、門柱和壁爐上撞出多少瘀青來,就覺得下半生都要在這樣的狹小空間里度過將是多么凄慘。在我看來,畫線標(biāo)記出的起居室就跟個牢房差不多;廚房看起來就像個大盒子,而書房好像只能裝下一個壁爐和一扇門。我們被告知房子畫在地上看起來都是這個樣子,但是索菲婭看到客廳小成這樣,厭惡之情無論講什么科學(xué)道理都沒法減弱半分。得再加長六英尺——或者四英尺——至少得三英尺,她理論了半天,于是客廳相應(yīng)加長了。我好不容易把她哄離現(xiàn)場踏上回家的路,這才大大地松了口氣。

房子一天天壘高了,煙囪也豎起來了。一天,我們正站在一旁看著工人們在屋頂上忙活,施工隊的工頭向我們走來。

“先生,這是您自己的房子,而且我們正在做最后一根煙囪,您要不要上去看一看呢?”他說。

“我要是個男人的話,肯定上去了,”我妻子對我說,“從那么高的地方望去,周圍的風(fēng)景一定很美吧!”

這回答使我陷入了一種兩難境地,因為我必須承認(rèn)我對登高并不熱衷。每次看到那種人容易失足滑落,卻沒有防護(hù)欄的高處,無論是懸崖峭壁、屋頂、腳手架還是其他高處,我都會覺得站在地面上遠(yuǎn)比站在這些地方更合我意。但是我的房子無論如何都算不上很高,而且也就只需要上去這么一次,所以我還是回答說我打算上去看看。

我在爬梯子的時候膝蓋就已經(jīng)頗感壓力了,但這還不算什么;當(dāng)我跟著工頭踏上兩條窄窄的木板,每走一步木板就向下彎一下的時候,所經(jīng)受的恐懼才真正讓人難以忍受。但是既然已經(jīng)開始就只好繼續(xù)下去,于是我接下來又爬上了另一個梯子,看起來又細(xì)又不堅固,而且頂端也沒有用繩索固定。我看著梯子踏板之間的地平線,忍不住假想萬一梯子某一部分突然斷裂,將是多么駭人的場景。為了驅(qū)逐這個念頭,我趕緊在腦海中批判起當(dāng)天早上《泰晤士報》的頭條社論來,可是這個方法并不奏效。于是我又開始想象,雖然看上去出奇的高,其實我離地面不過四英尺而已,但這個方法也失敗了。當(dāng)我正準(zhǔn)備開始想象地面上鋪著無數(shù)羽絨褥墊的時候,我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已經(jīng)到達(dá)了腳手架頂端。

“這兒可真高啊?!蔽覍ゎ^說,竭力想顯得鎮(zhèn)定自若,但顯然并不成功。

“嗯,不,我們有時候蓋的建筑比這個高多了?!彼卮?,“我得提醒您別踩到那塊木板的頂端,因為它會翻轉(zhuǎn)——當(dāng)然,您要是從這兒掉下去,跟從紀(jì)念碑上掉下去是一樣的效果,等他們把您抬起來的時候,您的小命早就玩兒完了?!彼呎f邊眺望四下里的莊稼和天氣,說得就跟這件事真的發(fā)生了一樣。

這時一個工人把一摞磚放在了前面提到過的木板上,木板就在我腳邊翻轉(zhuǎn)了,于是我就像私家馬車后面那些小個子男仆一般,被顛得上下晃動不已。我戰(zhàn)戰(zhàn)兢兢地問這些磚這么重會不會導(dǎo)致危險,同時腦中浮現(xiàn)出一段報紙新聞,題為“腳手架超重釀成的慘劇”。

“我正想說這個事兒呢。阿丹放的磚確實有點太多了。”工頭回答,“不過只要我們不上下亂蹦,不打噴嚏,架子是不會斷的。雖然那次那個拌砂漿的小子百日咳實在是太厲害,導(dǎo)致我可憐的兄弟吉姆掛掉了?!彼Z氣是那么輕描淡寫,就好像他自個兒長了好幾個脖子,所以摔斷一兩個不足為慮似的。

我的妻子在遠(yuǎn)處摘雛菊,很顯然她毫不在意我是在腳手架頂端,還是在底端,或是躺在圣喬治醫(yī)院里;于是我打起精神準(zhǔn)備下來,并再次踏上那個瘦小的梯子。我沒法準(zhǔn)確描述自己是怎么下來的,但整個過程中我覺得身上就像是被打了無數(shù)個孔,風(fēng)從四面八方貫穿而過。待我離地面越來越近時,這種感覺終于消失了。我妻子對于高度的認(rèn)知顯然和我相去甚遠(yuǎn),她仔細(xì)地詢問在上面看周圍風(fēng)景如何,而我壓根兒就忘了這件事。即便如此,我也不會再來一次。我已經(jīng)下定決心再也不去打擾我的煙囪了。

接下來就是持續(xù)的焦慮以及在老住所、新房子和建筑設(shè)計事務(wù)所之間來回奔波。除此之外一切還算順利,直到房子即將落成之際。索菲婭在建房之初熱情滿滿,但現(xiàn)在她的熱情已燃燒殆盡,只留下我獨自面對后期遇到的種種麻煩。其中一個問題就是門廊。我本人很討厭下雨天在別人門外等候還要經(jīng)受風(fēng)雨侵襲,所以我一直打算如果有朝一日要蓋房就一定要有一個堪稱典范的門廊。結(jié)果當(dāng)工人們已經(jīng)進(jìn)入收尾階段時,我才懊惱地想起我一直忘了跟彭尼先生提這件事,而他也從來沒有跟我建議過要建個門廊。

“要不要門廊這純屬個人感覺和品味,”他聽到我的抱怨以后如是回答,“所以,當(dāng)然您要是不提,我是不會放上去的。不過這一回正好,您的房子加個門廊的話外觀上會有所改善。不過這會有個問題,就是門廊的頂部會把原來樓梯平臺那兒的窗子給堵??;當(dāng)然我們可以在高一點的地方開個口保證通風(fēng),只要您不介意屋內(nèi)有些許黑暗,或者說昏暗?!?/p>

我的第一反應(yīng)就是這很可能會讓我和家人患上慢性憂郁癥;但是我又想起來在廣告里看到過一種反射鏡,據(jù)說能把陽光反射到屋子里任何一個角落,于是為了夢想中的門廊,我決定忍受窗戶被遮擋的不便。不過后來我發(fā)現(xiàn)昏暗是全天候的——那個所謂的專利反射鏡只能把一團(tuán)圓圓的亮光反射到我們壓根兒不想要它照到的對面墻上,而我們想要它照到的樓梯平臺那里黑暗如故。

跟建筑施工隊以規(guī)定好的金額簽合同建房的過程中有一種陷阱,稍不留神你就會中招,這種事故有個學(xué)名叫作“產(chǎn)生額外費(fèi)用”。如果你不想被左鄰右舍說閑話,那么唯一的辦法就是付給施工隊一大筆遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過合同金額的錢,中間的差額當(dāng)然就是額外費(fèi)用。就我的情況而言,雖然我一開始就很清楚最后肯定要付一些額外的錢,但我的常識顯然還是不足;也許彭尼先生本人也應(yīng)該更明確地告訴我,但凡我回答了“是”的所有問題我都得付錢。比如某個窗子,我想不想要比原設(shè)計的更大一些?而另一個窗子,考慮到門的位置,要不要比原計劃的小一點點?諸如此類。此外還有一大堆的“未包含在內(nèi)”的東西:餐具洗滌室的水槽、集雨箱和水泵、屋頂?shù)奶齑?、刮泥板、屋頂?shù)娘L(fēng)向標(biāo)以及東西南北四個字,還有育兒室的換氣設(shè)備、廚房的換氣設(shè)備,雖然這些設(shè)備運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)良好,但方向卻正好弄反了;還有獲專利的神奇的門鈴拉繩,以及皇家特許的非凡的廚房爐灶——只需三便士三法尋就能讓火持續(xù)燃燒十二小時,還可以用各種方式烹制大塊肉骨頭,加熱頭一天的剩飯剩菜,煮得了蔬菜,熨得了衣服。我沒有嚴(yán)格地把每筆花費(fèi)都記個賬,而且太過信任彭尼先生,認(rèn)為在他手里可以放心,不會有太過分的超支。結(jié)果當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)所有這些額外花費(fèi)加起來有好幾百鎊時,整個人都不好了。我有種想再蓋一座房子的沖動,哪怕要再經(jīng)受一次所有的擔(dān)憂焦慮,以證明這次我會殫精竭慮避免產(chǎn)生任何額外費(fèi)用!

最后一切總要結(jié)束,于是不知從哪兒冒出來了一位房屋監(jiān)察員。傳說中監(jiān)察員的職責(zé)就是要確保你不會被建筑商以附加費(fèi)用形式多收哪怕半個便士。建筑商先對房子某一部分報個價,可能比實際價值貴一倍,監(jiān)察員又再報一個價,只有實際價值的一半。然后他們再通過打嘴仗來解決爭端,把估價的差距逐漸縮小,一直到最后取個中間價。我所有的賬目都經(jīng)過了此種操作。

搬家車把我們的家具和財物送到了新房子,其間還算順利;但是在安頓下來的過程中又發(fā)生了一些惱人的小事,要不是因為索菲婭對此事的態(tài)度如同圣馬丁節(jié)[4]前的和煦小陽春,估計我的感受會更加糟糕。煙就是其中一件煩心事。書房的壁爐一生火,所有的煙塵就全都灌進(jìn)了屋子。我們在困擾中只好叫來了設(shè)計師彭尼先生,他第一句話就是問我們有沒有試過把煙道排氣閥打開來解決這個問題。我們之前確實沒打開,一打開后,煙塵立刻就都被抽走了。最后,我還記得一天晚上索菲婭突然跳起來大喊,把我三魂都嚇掉了兩魂:“天哪,那個該死的施工隊!育兒室的窗子連一根鐵柵都沒有裝!約翰,說不定哪天我可憐的孩子們一不留神就掉出去了——他們哪里懂什么危不危險?——然后就會摔得粉身碎骨!你當(dāng)初為什么要把育兒室放到三樓???”你們可以確信,第二天一早鐵柵就釘上去了。

一八六五年

* * *

[1]本文是哈代在倫敦和布魯姆菲爾德建筑事務(wù)所擔(dān)任助理建筑師時寫成,于1865年發(fā)表在《錢伯斯雜志》上,是他發(fā)表的第一篇文學(xué)類文章。此前哈代曾投稿過幾首詩歌,但均被退回未錄用。哈代稱本文為一篇“幽默小品”,為給事務(wù)所同事和學(xué)徒取樂,并非嚴(yán)肅的文學(xué)作品。但本文得以發(fā)表給了哈代激勵,讓他開始考慮散文類寫作。

[2]一英尺約為零點三零五米,九十英尺則約為二十七點四米。

[3]摩西第十誡為:“不可貪戀鄰人的房屋;不可貪戀鄰人的妻子、仆婢、牛驢,并他的一切所有?!?/p>

[4]圣馬丁節(jié),天主教節(jié)日,設(shè)于每年十一月十一日,大部分歐洲國家會慶祝這個節(jié)日,其性質(zhì)類似美國的感恩節(jié)。

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