雙語·面紗 第二十八章

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They were reaching their destination at last. They were borne in chairs, day after day, along a narrow causeway between interminable rice-fields. They set out at dawn and travelled till the heat of the day forced them to take shelter in a wayside inn and then went on again till they reached the town where they had arranged to spend the night. Kitty's chair headed the procession and Walter followed her; then in a struggling line came the coolies that bore their bedding, stores, and equipment. Kitty passed through the country with unseeing eyes. All through the long hours, the silence broken only by an occasional remark from one of the bearers or a snatch of uncouth song, she turned over in her tortured mind the details of that heart-rending scene in Charlie's office. Recalling what he had said to her and what she had said to him, she was dismayed to see what an arid and business-like turn their conversation had taken. She had not said what she wanted to say and she had not spoken in the tone she intended. Had she been able to make him see her boundless love, the passion in her heart, and her helplessness, he could never have been so inhuman as to leave her to her fate. She had been taken unawares. She could hardly believe her ears when he told her, more clearly than with words, that he cared nothing for her. That was why she had not even cried very much, she had been so dazed. She had wept since, wept miserably.

At night in the inns, sharing the principal guest chamber with her husband and conscious that Walter, lying on his camp bed, a few feet away from her, lay awake, she dug her teeth in the pillow so that no sound might escape her. But in the day-time, protected by the curtains of her chair, she allowed herself to give way. Her pain was so great that she could have screamed at the top of her voice; she had never known that one could suffer so much; and she asked herself desperately what she had done to deserve it. She could not make out why Charlie did not love her: it was her fault, she supposed, but she had done everything she knew to make him fond of her. They had always got on so well, they laughed all the time they were together, they were not only lovers but good friends. She could not understand; she was broken. She told herself that she hated and despised him; but she had no idea how she was going to live if she was never to see him again. If Walter was taking her to Mei-tan-fu as a punishment he was making a fool of himself, for what did she care now what became of her? She had nothing to live for any more. It was rather hard to be finished with life at twenty-seven.

第二十八章

他們終于快到目的地了。他們在轎椅上被人抬著，一天又一天，沿著一條狹窄的、無休無止的稻田堤道行進。他們在黎明時分動身，一直走著，直到正午太陽的炎熱迫使他們在路邊的小酒館乘涼和歇腳。然后他們又繼續(xù)上路，到達某個城鎮(zhèn)后，預(yù)備在那兒過夜。凱蒂的轎椅在前面，沃爾特的緊隨其后，落在最后面的是一群苦力，他們背著被褥、日雜用品和醫(yī)療實驗設(shè)備。凱蒂經(jīng)過鄉(xiāng)村的時候，感覺到有很多看不見的眼睛在注視著她。在漫長的旅途中，沉寂會被轎夫們偶爾的談話所打破，或者有人扯開嗓子干號幾段粗俗的小調(diào)。她受盡折磨的腦海中翻來覆去地播放著在查理辦公室里撕心裂肺的一幕幕，她回憶著他的話，以及她對他所說的話，難過地發(fā)現(xiàn)他們的對話從過去的甜言蜜語變成了枯燥無味和討價還價的語言。她沒有說出想說的話，而說話的語氣也不是她的本意，要是能讓他明白她對他無盡的愛，她心中的激情，以及她的無助，他就絕不可能那么不近人情地把她交給命運擺布。當他明白無誤地告訴她，他對她根本不在乎的時候，她幾乎不能相信自己的耳朵，完全蒙了，這也能解釋為什么她甚至都沒有放聲大哭。她已經(jīng)暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向，不知所措了。從那時起，她總暗自流淚，悲傷的眼淚幾乎一直沒有停過。

在小旅店過夜的時候，凱蒂和丈夫一起住在主客房中，她能夠感覺到躺在離她幾英尺遠的行軍床上的沃爾特也沒有睡著。她用牙咬緊枕頭，不讓自己哭出聲來。但是在白天的時候，在轎椅簾子的保護下，她讓眼淚無聲地流淌。在痛徹心扉的感覺達到頂點的時候，她恨不得發(fā)出聲嘶力竭的呼喊。她以前從不知道一個人能遭受這么大的痛苦，所以經(jīng)常絕望地捫心自問，她造了什么孽，要得到這樣的報應(yīng)。她不明白為什么查理不愛她了，有時思忖，也許是她的錯，但是她已經(jīng)用盡渾身解數(shù)來取悅他，讓他欣賞自己。他們一直相處得很好，在一起時，有數(shù)不盡的歡笑，他們不僅是情人關(guān)系，也是志同道合的好朋友。她無法理解，精神都快崩潰了，不時地告誡自己她憎恨和鄙視他，可如果再也見不到他，她不知道自己應(yīng)該如何繼續(xù)生活下去。如果沃爾特把她帶到湄潭府來是為了懲罰她，那么他就大錯特錯了，她現(xiàn)在這個樣子，還在乎什么呢？她就是個活死人，但要在她僅僅二十七歲的時候就結(jié)束一切，似乎也不太容易。